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Back to dating basics...

Just wanted to spend a little time talking about the dating basics.

1. Intention first!  What are you dating for?  Recreation and fun or dating for a life partner.
So many times people try to do both at the same time.

This leads to a great deal of confusion and often emotional upset. Because of the way the brain works, love, lust, romance are often working together..even though sometimes they are not.  If you are dating for fun and recreation...make sure you are dating a number of people.  Having sex with one person, regularly can lead to attachment.  And as I have stated before, as attraction(attachment) increases judgment decreases.

When this happens you are likely to forgo your non-negotiables and make compromises which can lead you down the road of serial monogamy and ultimately relationship failure.

When you decide that you want a life partner, my advice is that you make that choice conciously..and not because of the great guy you just make.  I suggest you keep the locus of control where it belongs...with you!!!

Remember relationship failure often seems to stem from an initial compromise of your non-negotiables.

For more information on this subject get my free ecourse.  You can find it on the upper right corner of this site!



April 19, 2009 | Permalink | Comments (1)

The pain of unrequited love....

The one you love does not call, text, email or communicate with you often enough..often enough for what though?

Often enough so that your concept of  "enough" is satisfied.  When that "enough" is satisfied, all is right with the world..or is it?

It is as if to say...If my beloved loved me, then my beloved would call, write, text...etc...but that is only your map.  Are you ready to entertain the idea that someone elses map might be different than yours?

You will save yourself a great deal of emotional wear and tear if you do.  If you consider that the amount that someone communicates with you has to do with who they are and not really who you are.  They may be thinking of you with out calling, communicating or connecting.  You may be taking up a great deal of air time in their head with out them acting on those thoughts.

Not all people are working off of your map..so chill out, relax....give the one you love some space.

Now, just for clarifications sake, I am not suggesting that you wait around for someone who is clearly not interested in you, which is really what unrequited love is all about...what I am talking about in this post is when the one you love has  shown interest!

If you want to fan the flames of attachment...keep your interactions positive, light and enjoyable!!!!

April 18, 2009 | Permalink | Comments (0)

lust, romance and love...

Helen Fisher, Ph.D. rocks and even though her focus in this video about women, we as gay men can extrapolate from her message and get a better understanding of ourselves.

Enjoy!

April 17, 2009 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Non-traditional relationships

The divorce statistics for first marriages has in deed gone down a bit.  41%..but for second marriage's it is 60%.

This does not include those that are together but not married and many of those that stay married have cheated and have stayed together.

Getting the statistics for gay relationships is a bit more difficult because we are not afforded the same rights as our counter parts.

For the purpose of this post, perhaps it is a blessing.

The other day I received an email that echoed the work I was doing with a client.  It was around non-traditional relationships.

The email and my work with this other client centered around the idea of changing the structure of a relationship and what I thought about it.  Each person had been with their respective partners for long period of time one 5 years the other 12.

Here is what I shared with them.

There is nothing inherently wrong with exploring non-traditional structures for relationships.  Each version has it's pros and cons and can be worked through with a touch of effort.

So let's look at some of the structures:

1. The open relationship: don't ask don't tell.  This version is usually just for sexual satisfaction

2. The open relationship: sharing wanted and encouraged.  Usually there is a rule not to see the same person again so as to keep any emotional attachment from forming which could threaten the longevity of the primary relationship.

3. Bringing others in for 3 somes, 4 somes and more somes.  These often creates a sense of sexual novelty for the primary partners and at times, even brings them closer together...

4. Polygamy: This is the sharing of one partner with 2 others.  This kind of relationship works best when the 2 who are sharing create a deep appreciation and friendship with one another and see each other as a member of their family.  This often provides a great deal of variation of need getting potential

5. The triple:  This is where a couple integrates another member creating a triple.  For this to work their needs to be adequate sexual attraction for all parties involved.  There are many benefits including shared resources and responsibilities.

Then there are combinations of the above. 

So while the up sides are obvious, what about the down sides:

Well they are really simple:

a. Negative predictions of how your partner may respond to the discussion.  Can be managed simply by creating a safe space to talk about anything.  Which means that neither partner can take anything just personally.  That these desires are about the person having them and not about some kind of lack on the other partners behalf.  If in fact there is a lack, that is a call for some counseling...not yet changing the structure of the relationship.

b. Feelings of competition and jealousy.

Most of the time when there is competition the focus is on who we are competing with rather than what we are competing for.  Once we know what we are competing for, it can be identified as a need and be met.

Jealousy is an emotion that also tells us what we want but don't yet have.  Again, once the need is identified it can be met.

So any structure of a relationship can work as long as you are willing to work on it.

Keep the judgments down and keep the discussion going. 

February 10, 2009 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Lonely makes the love go away....

Years ago, in my bathroom, I had a little "Ziggy" drawing.  You remember ziggy don't you?
Above him read the following:

Love makes the lonelies go away!

A friend and therapy mentor of mind read it and came out of the bathroom and said to me, "The reverse is true you know, the lonelies make the love go away."

If you are not in a relationship, it is not a crime, a punishment or the worst thing in your life and if you are sitting around bemoaning the fact to anyone who will listen, then you probably won't get into one either.

If your single, your goal is to love what is and be happy.  A relationship is not the solution to being an unhappy single person!

February 09, 2009 | Permalink | Comments (0)

When sex is the first date...

We have all been there....our eyes meet and begins the dance of cruising.  Presto, your in bed having amazing hot sex.  Cuddling follows and you start fantasizing about your future with your man.

You an your new found friend are in a complete state of HYPNOSIS! Especially if it was good sex.

So whats the problem, you may ask....I'll tell you...

When you have good sex with a person on a first date you build very powerful and strong associations and identifications with the person you had sex with.  Your body and brain are flooded with feel good chemicals and you naturally associate those feelings with that person.

Which means that your judgment and ability to evaluate who this person is and if this person is really the right person for you.   

While sex is a very good way of getting to know someone, I would gently suggest you leave it for the 3rd date.

Continue reading "When sex is the first date..." »

October 06, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (3)

Why is my boy friend is cheating!

First lets take it out of this negative frame and put it in plain terms.  Your boy friend is seeking something( and I will get to this in a second) out side of your relationship. The reason for this is that if you call it cheating you will find your self in a victim role and not be able to take a clear course of action.

1. Feels lonely and is seeking some attention. (is looking for more emotional intimacy)
2. Separates sex from love and has a sexual appetite he can not fulfill at home.
3. Is mad at you because he perceives himself rejected in some way by you.

If you don't take your boy friends behavior just personally you will be able to open up a dialog to greater understanding and mutual choice making.

Take the time to consider how your relationship is going and see if you and your are bringing the best to it!

Many blessings,
Dr. Eric!

September 26, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Erotic Hypnosis

Many of you know, along with my work as a coach, I am also a hypnotherapist.  A client of mine who was seeing me to overcome dating shyness (specifically, the inability to start up a conversation with a stranger) 
We cleared this up in a session and he was on his way.

Then he sent me an email to tell me the good news and how effective it has been...he also included this video from you tube.....I was shocked, surprised and delighted.  The use of hypnosis for increased sexual excitation, release from inhibition, premature ejaculation and even sustained erection is well documented but this video is just plain fun and erotic!

It touches a deep part of all of us around control and being controlled and while this is not part of my private practice work it certainly can be a part of yours. 

While hypnosis may look like mind control, the hypnotist has very little to do with it.  All Hypnosis is self-hypnosis, the hypnotist is merely a guide.  You have to want to be hypnotized.  So that begs the question then, what exactly is hypnosis.  Well, if you have ever been to a horror movie and found that you got scared you were in hypnosis, I mean...you knew you were in a theater, you knew that nothing was actually going to happen to you and yet, your brain responded as though it was all real.

Enjoy the video and remember the subject in this video is doing exactly what the subject wants to do!

July 28, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Having trouble finding Mr. Right?

Finding Mr. is often a challenging issue for many.  If it is for you, then you will really want to pay attention to this post.

While the it may seem that the pickins are slim, that is  a myth.  The truth  more likely about you and what you are projecting.  This is not to say that it is your fault.  Rather  I want to  you with more information so that you can make your dating  more successful.

The core issue here is that many project availability and NOT attainability.

Keep your eye open for further posts about this very crucial subject!

January 25, 2007 in Dating For A Life Partner, Dating for Fun | Permalink | Comments (4)

Call it marriage for Pete's sake!

It's time to call it what it is and stop trying to make us different and separate!

As a current resident of New Jersey, I was quite excited and waited with breath that is baited, what the decision would be.  Needless to say, the ruling is bitter sweet.

The state Supreme Court on Wednesday ruled that New Jersey must extend all the rights of marriage to gay couples. But the justices left it to state lawmakers to decide whether to provide those rights in the form of marriages, civil unions or something else _ and gave the Legislature 180 days to reach a decision.

October 26, 2006 in Coupling | Permalink | Comments (0)

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