Tragedy to triumph

This tip is for those who have lost someone for any reason, from being dumped to a partners demise.

While it could be argued that thier is a huge differnce between the two, there are many similarities if there was a large degree of attachment!

When we enter into a relationship and integrate our lives with another person.  As a result we are we are forever changed. Our worlds are intertwined and organized around the other...

I have listened to many describe the void that is created in the lives of those formerly partnered...especially those who have had a partner for several years. 

Our daily lives are impacted by our loss:

• sitting across from us a breakfast, lunch, dinner
• an empty bed
• fighting for sink time and mirror space in the bath room
• preparing meals for just one
• making plans with out consulting your partner
• phone check ins to see how the day is going

This list could go on and on...what I am describing here is an empty space that was formerly filled.
It is presence felt by it's absence.

Mourning and grieving are a natural part of loss and is the very thing that heals our pain.
While this is occurring it is sometimes useful to remember and do a  few things that can help the process along....

1. You were a whole person before this very important relationship
2. There were things that you did that you stopped doing as a result of this relationship (many good things) 
3. This emptiness you feel is in fact space...and it can become potential.
4.Perhaps this is a good time to reconnect with neglected friends(happens in relationships)
5. Talk to someone who knows how to listen with out judgment or at least journal about your feelings.
6. Keep their things around for as long as you need to(warning: if you do that too long the empty space will be filled with sentiment and nostalgia and will prevent you from effectively moving on.
7. This is a time to practice extreme self care

These are just a few of the things to do and remember while you are experiencing a loss.

Comments

[ABM]

*Second paragraph - thier - should be there.
*plans with out consulting - without is always one word in this context.
*It is presence felt by it's absence. - no apostrophe. It's means it is while its means belonging to the article.

Not being a smart ass hon, you asked me to do it

[barb elgin]

love your blog, dr. love! great discussion on 'filling the void'! for those going through relationship loss i also offer the following thoughts:

1. If you left someone due to your own unhappiness (or their jerky-ness), be sure to remember WHY you left - if you have to, write it down. It's natural, even if you left/ended the relationship, to begin to 'idealize' what your ex was like, in the months afterwards when you are adjusting to the change.

Get out and talk with others who are also grieving, this is how you find out you are not alone!

Even just getting out and being social, you will meet lots of others who will share with you they are going through something similar. It helps to know - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

When you get out and talk with others you learn that relationships are ending and/or changing all the time. Infidelities are happening all around us. It's just a fact of life and people move on and love again, becoming stronger in the process. Take comfort in this reality vs. agonizing over it.

2. If you lost someone due to death, be sure to reach out and connect with others going through the same.

Maybe a widowed/separation/divorce support group will work for you. Or a therapist or coach. Maybe a workshop for singles will help. Explore and find out what is out there to help you.

3. The part on extreme self care is critical! Rest, eat well, drink lots of water, cry when you feel like it and get some exercise, even if it's just walking around the block once a day.

Laugh alot too - watch old reruns of Seinfeld, Everyone Loves Raymond, Friends, or whatever you like!

4. Know that 'this too shall pass' and that you will start to build your new life. Don't leave it to chance. Get moving! Try one new activity a week.

5. Gays often don't get enough support from family, co-workers and friends when they are grieving. It's called 'disenfranchised grief.' For example, many of our straight family and friends don't 'get it' - for some reason many of them don't look at our relationships as equal to marriage.

And, at work, straight divorced folks are understood where many of us can't tell our co-workers or employer we are taking a mental health day.

So, be sure you form a support team of people you can talk to. And, educate your familiy and friends as to what it's like for you and basically, ask for the same respect they'd give one of their married family members or friends. You deserve it, especially at this difficult time.

[Steve Thompson]

I really liked what you wrote. And many of my friends and family has told me to try and look at my breakup as a death. Which helped for a while. I am plagued by a lot of guilt and shame. My partner/boyfriend (we are at the beginning stage of our relationship and had asked him to marry me) had begun to live with me early on in our relationship. I know, I read your other statement about sex on the first date, and we both fell into that trap. We even broke up for a week after dating a week, then took one look at each other and we were back togeterh. Any way, he brought his computer with him when he would stay over and play World of Warcraft and stay up late while I slept. Little did I know at the time, he was online chatting with other guys. He had given me permission to get on his computer and one night, after his late night session, he woke me up, I was upset and could not go back to sleep. So I went to use his computer and did something I should never have done. I opened the internet and there was his email login with the password in it. So I went in, I know I should have stopped, but something told me that something wasn't right. That is where I found the emails where he had been chatting. When I finally had the courage to ask him about it and to admit my guilt it was several days later. All was good I thought. We moved to another apt together and he signed the lease and I had given him money for a car for work. I had even asked him to change his password so that I would nto be tempted. He said that the chatting was like looking at porn for him. Which I thought I understood, but he coud see that it bothered me. Well, he agreed to delete all of his profiles and email account. Well, he didn't, because a few days later, he picked up my phone (which was not locked and I had nothing to hide), he saw some texts from some friends that I had talked to about this. It caused the whole situation to esculate. I almost walked out and went and stayed somewhere else that night. Then he stopped talking to me. The next thing I know is he is texting me at work that he has packed up and left. I was devistated. I called, I texted, I called and texted some more, but he would not come back to talk about it and work it out. Eventually, because of me trying desperatly to talk with him, he cut off all forms of communication and started cussing at me and telling me to f off. I think I pushed him from loving me to hating me. I want him back, though my friends say that you really didn't know this guy and it was good you found out now. Yeah, so? I am despeate to work this out with him and don't know how. I am so hurt and sad all the time that I have pretty much stopped eating and sleep is something my body forces me to do. I walk in the door and I swear I can still see him and feel his presence. I find myself crying at odd times as well. (quick synopsis, yes, I am Bi-Polar, I take meds for it, but I hadn't the week he left, but he doesn't understand this, he says I am crazy and that because I had said some things that I didn't mean, like hurting myself, is one of the reasons he left, the other was me looking into his email account). I know this is long winded, but I wanted to give you an idea what happend. The only thing that was bad in our relationship was the chatting. Everything else was my ideal match. My question to you is, how can I get him back? I sent him a card today appologizing, and hope that he reads it and it doesn't blow up in my face. Because I sent it to his parents house where he is staying and he doesn't know I know the address. How can I get him back? I love him and miss him so much that I can't stop thinking about him, no matter what I do. I asked him to marry me for pete's sake, and that is something I don't just go around asking people. Thanks for listening. Hopefully I can see your reply.