Lets face it we all love bad boys; they “seem” to have qualities that we “seem” to lack. They “appear” confident, they “appear” rebellious”, they appear “hyper” masculine, they “seem” to challenge us, they “appear” mysterious as well as appearing like they do not need anyone or anything. They are the brooding artist, the poet, the daredevil. In reality they are nothing more then our own projection.
When pushed or challenged, they fall apart, choosing to run away than face things, when held accountable, they deflect in order to protect a very fragile ego. They fear intimacy and closeness because they are afraid of being trapped and constrained, they want their freedom yet are prisoners of their own making, theirs is not a choice but a compulsion. They are not so mysterious they just don’t want to be seen for who they really are and of course, the more you chase, the more they run.
They are sensitive mostly to themselves and often use this sensitivity to manipulate others into getting what they want. They are often seen as charming, thoughtful etc., but in reality this not some altruistic behavior on their part. No, for them, it is about their needs met and giving you, at least in the beginning a good ole narcissistic rubdown!
Now here is the real kicker, the proverbial icing on the cake! You already KNOW this. That’s right, instinctively you are aware of their fragility and it compels you to protect them, care for them, cater to them as well as forgive them over and over again. Now forgive is not really the right word here, it is more like condone their behavior over and over again. This of course just traps you in a catch 22.
The reality is that we have projected important parts of ourselves onto the other person. Our strength, our confidence, our independence and our vulnerability.
So what’s happening here?
Put in the simplest of terms, when we fall in love with someone, we raise them in our esteem often depleting our own. Their opinion, their behavior, what they say, what they do in relation to us becomes all-important. Why? Because their returned love is what raises our own esteem back to normal. The pain of unrequited love or worse, criticism, put downs, and various other kinds of distancing behaviors or even still worse, the mixed message variety, is that our esteem is lowered, our sense of self and self-worth is shaken and the only way to get it back is to do what ever we can to get them to love us in the way we need to be loved and we will do what ever it takes. But because we are in a regressed state, our emotions unstable, we will do things that will have the reverse impact and cause more problems and more distance.
This kind of love turns us into beggars, begging to be loved, willing to do almost anything to get the love object to love us back. Making you a pathetic creature. Your anger, that should be directed at them is directed at you instead trying endlessly to figure out what you did wrong or what you could or should do to make things right.
You may even find yourself talking to anyone who will listen and when they side with your frustration, you will find yourself defending the one you love. This merry go round is not so merry. Getting off is not easy if you don’t have the right kind of support and the right kind of help. Yes, it will run its course and eventually the relationship will fizzle out, but then you always have the ability to start all over again with another version of the same guy, unless you have done a major overhaul on your own psyche!
In my next post I will be talking about the “root cause” of this pattern of relating!
