The divorce statistics for first marriages has in deed gone down a bit. 41%..but for second marriage's it is 60%.
This does not include those that are together but not married and many of those that stay married have cheated and have stayed together.
Getting the statistics for gay relationships is a bit more difficult because we are not afforded the same rights as our counter parts.
For the purpose of this post, perhaps it is a blessing.
The other day I received an email that echoed the work I was doing with a client. It was around non-traditional relationships.
The email and my work with this other client centered around the idea of changing the structure of a relationship and what I thought about it. Each person had been with their respective partners for long period of time one 5 years the other 12.
Here is what I shared with them.
There is nothing inherently wrong with exploring non-traditional structures for relationships. Each version has it's pros and cons and can be worked through with a touch of effort.
So let's look at some of the structures:
1. The open relationship: don't ask don't tell. This version is usually just for sexual satisfaction
2. The open relationship: sharing wanted and encouraged. Usually there is a rule not to see the same person again so as to keep any emotional attachment from forming which could threaten the longevity of the primary relationship.
3. Bringing others in for 3 somes, 4 somes and more somes. These often creates a sense of sexual novelty for the primary partners and at times, even brings them closer together...
4. Polygamy: This is the sharing of one partner with 2 others. This kind of relationship works best when the 2 who are sharing create a deep appreciation and friendship with one another and see each other as a member of their family. This often provides a great deal of variation of need getting potential
5. The triple: This is where a couple integrates another member creating a triple. For this to work their needs to be adequate sexual attraction for all parties involved. There are many benefits including shared resources and responsibilities.
Then there are combinations of the above.
So while the up sides are obvious, what about the down sides:
Well they are really simple:
a. Negative predictions of how your partner may respond to the discussion. Can be managed simply by creating a safe space to talk about anything. Which means that neither partner can take anything just personally. That these desires are about the person having them and not about some kind of lack on the other partners behalf. If in fact there is a lack, that is a call for some counseling...not yet changing the structure of the relationship.
b. Feelings of competition and jealousy.
Most of the time when there is competition the focus is on who we are competing with rather than what we are competing for. Once we know what we are competing for, it can be identified as a need and be met.
Jealousy is an emotion that also tells us what we want but don't yet have. Again, once the need is identified it can be met.
So any structure of a relationship can work as long as you are willing to work on it.
Keep the judgments down and keep the discussion going.
