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To your dating Success!
Dr. Eric
Achieving orgasm, brain imaging studies show, involves more than heightened arousal. It requires a release of inhibitions engineered by shutdown of the brain’s center of vigilance..
Yup..fear is not going to help you have great sex or great orgasms.
While many of us can still function in relationship to sex, good sex is a whole other story. There is a reason why so many in the community use drugs and drink in order to depress the inhibitory responses..however in the process there is of an inhibition of aspects of ourselves that are unwanted..for instance..that erection..so many choose to take things like Viagra in order to maintain that function.
There are others that even practice celibacy to maintain self control. They fill their minds with images of how disgusting sex is and work hard to turn themselves off from sex. Most, when asked, do it because they are afraid. Afraid that if they really let go there would be no turning back. They would become some kind of sex fiend. Told early in their lives that sex is a distraction, it is dirty, dangerous and bad for them...they hold onto these ideas despite their body's natural urges. They often sublimate their sexual energies into other activities which is ok..but not actually idea.
In many cases these people have the most difficulty managing appropriate sexual behavior.
These natural urges are an important part of the functioning of a healthy human being.
Healthy sex is not just good for your body it is good for your brain and there are so many other things you can do to reduce your fears and improve your sex life.
1. Learn how to relax and deal with stress. Training your body and mind in relaxation methods on a regular basis improves the feel good chemical ratio in your body while reducing stress.
2. Exercise is another way to help manage stress.
3. Pleasure yourself and let yourself go on a regular basis. Much of the body's responses are conditioned and you can recondition yourself.
4. Erotisize safe sex. It can be very challenging to try to have un inhibited sex while thinking about protection. It is time to make safe sex erotic. Use your imagination....remember, Dr. Ruth said 'Sex happens between the ears!" She was right!
5. There is a difference in body chemistry around elicit sexual behavior and sexual behavior that is sensual. Elicit sexual activity can actually increase stress hormones while sensual and, for lack of a better term, more relaxed sexual behavior increases those feel good chemicals like oxytocin, endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine.
If you are having problems in this area then get help. There is no reason to suffer about sex. At my office we have helped hundreds of people struggling to have a fun and rewarding sex life!
www.bestlifehypnosis.com
Go have sex!!!!!
Just wanted to spend a little time talking about the dating basics.
1. Intention first! What are you dating for? Recreation and fun or dating for a life partner.
So many times people try to do both at the same time.
This leads to a great deal of confusion and often emotional upset. Because of the way the brain works, love, lust, romance are often working together..even though sometimes they are not. If you are dating for fun and recreation...make sure you are dating a number of people. Having sex with one person, regularly can lead to attachment. And as I have stated before, as attraction(attachment) increases judgment decreases.
When this happens you are likely to forgo your non-negotiables and make compromises which can lead you down the road of serial monogamy and ultimately relationship failure.
When you decide that you want a life partner, my advice is that you make that choice conciously..and not because of the great guy you just make. I suggest you keep the locus of control where it belongs...with you!!!
Remember relationship failure often seems to stem from an initial compromise of your non-negotiables.
For more information on this subject get my free ecourse. You can find it on the upper right corner of this site!
The one you love does not call, text, email or communicate with you often enough..often enough for what though?
Often enough so that your concept of "enough" is satisfied. When that "enough" is satisfied, all is right with the world..or is it?
It is as if to say...If my beloved loved me, then my beloved would call, write, text...etc...but that is only your map. Are you ready to entertain the idea that someone elses map might be different than yours?
You will save yourself a great deal of emotional wear and tear if you do. If you consider that the amount that someone communicates with you has to do with who they are and not really who you are. They may be thinking of you with out calling, communicating or connecting. You may be taking up a great deal of air time in their head with out them acting on those thoughts.
Not all people are working off of your map..so chill out, relax....give the one you love some space.
Now, just for clarifications sake, I am not suggesting that you wait around for someone who is clearly not interested in you, which is really what unrequited love is all about...what I am talking about in this post is when the one you love has shown interest!
If you want to fan the flames of attachment...keep your interactions positive, light and enjoyable!!!!
The divorce statistics for first marriages has in deed gone down a bit. 41%..but for second marriage's it is 60%.
This does not include those that are together but not married and many of those that stay married have cheated and have stayed together.
Getting the statistics for gay relationships is a bit more difficult because we are not afforded the same rights as our counter parts.
For the purpose of this post, perhaps it is a blessing.
The other day I received an email that echoed the work I was doing with a client. It was around non-traditional relationships.
The email and my work with this other client centered around the idea of changing the structure of a relationship and what I thought about it. Each person had been with their respective partners for long period of time one 5 years the other 12.
Here is what I shared with them.
There is nothing inherently wrong with exploring non-traditional structures for relationships. Each version has it's pros and cons and can be worked through with a touch of effort.
So let's look at some of the structures:
1. The open relationship: don't ask don't tell. This version is usually just for sexual satisfaction
2. The open relationship: sharing wanted and encouraged. Usually there is a rule not to see the same person again so as to keep any emotional attachment from forming which could threaten the longevity of the primary relationship.
3. Bringing others in for 3 somes, 4 somes and more somes. These often creates a sense of sexual novelty for the primary partners and at times, even brings them closer together...
4. Polygamy: This is the sharing of one partner with 2 others. This kind of relationship works best when the 2 who are sharing create a deep appreciation and friendship with one another and see each other as a member of their family. This often provides a great deal of variation of need getting potential
5. The triple: This is where a couple integrates another member creating a triple. For this to work their needs to be adequate sexual attraction for all parties involved. There are many benefits including shared resources and responsibilities.
Then there are combinations of the above.
So while the up sides are obvious, what about the down sides:
Well they are really simple:
a. Negative predictions of how your partner may respond to the discussion. Can be managed simply by creating a safe space to talk about anything. Which means that neither partner can take anything just personally. That these desires are about the person having them and not about some kind of lack on the other partners behalf. If in fact there is a lack, that is a call for some counseling...not yet changing the structure of the relationship.
b. Feelings of competition and jealousy.
Most of the time when there is competition the focus is on who we are competing with rather than what we are competing for. Once we know what we are competing for, it can be identified as a need and be met.
Jealousy is an emotion that also tells us what we want but don't yet have. Again, once the need is identified it can be met.
So any structure of a relationship can work as long as you are willing to work on it.
Keep the judgments down and keep the discussion going.
