Lets face it we all love bad boys; they “seem” to have qualities that we “seem” to lack. They “appear” confident, they “appear” rebellious”, they appear “hyper” masculine, they “seem” to challenge us, they “appear” mysterious as well as appearing like they do not need anyone or anything. They are the brooding artist, the poet, the daredevil. In reality they are nothing more then our own projection.
When pushed or challenged, they fall apart, choosing to run away than face things, when held accountable, they deflect in order to protect a very fragile ego. They fear intimacy and closeness because they are afraid of being trapped and constrained, they want their freedom yet are prisoners of their own making, theirs is not a choice but a compulsion. They are not so mysterious they just don’t want to be seen for who they really are and of course, the more you chase, the more they run.
They are sensitive mostly to themselves and often use this sensitivity to manipulate others into getting what they want. They are often seen as charming, thoughtful etc., but in reality this not some altruistic behavior on their part. No, for them, it is about their needs met and giving you, at least in the beginning a good ole narcissistic rubdown!
Now here is the real kicker, the proverbial icing on the cake! You already KNOW this. That’s right, instinctively you are aware of their fragility and it compels you to protect them, care for them, cater to them as well as forgive them over and over again. Now forgive is not really the right word here, it is more like condone their behavior over and over again. This of course just traps you in a catch 22. The reality is that we have projected important parts of ourselves onto the other person. Our strength, our confidence, our independence and our vulnerability.
So what’s happening here?
Put in the simplest of terms, when we fall in love with someone, we raise them in our esteem often depleting our own. Their opinion, their behavior, what they say, what they do in relation to us becomes all-important. Why? Because their returned love is what raises our own esteem back to normal. The pain of unrequited love or worse, criticism, put downs, and various other kinds of distancing behaviors or even still worse, the mixed message variety, is that our esteem is lowered, our sense of self and self-worth is shaken and the only way to get it back is to do what ever we can to get them to love us in the way we need to be loved and we will do what ever it takes. But because we are in a regressed state, our emotions unstable, we will do things that will have the reverse impact and cause more problems and more distance.
This kind of love turns us into beggars, begging to be loved, willing to do almost anything to get the love object to love us back. Making you a pathetic creature. Your anger, that should be directed at them is directed at you instead trying endlessly to figure out what you did wrong or what you could or should do to make things right.
You may even find yourself talking to anyone who will listen and when they side with your frustration, you will find yourself defending the one you love. This merry go round is not so merry. Getting off is not easy if you don’t have the right kind of support and the right kind of help. Yes, it will run its course and eventually the relationship will fizzle out, but then you always have the ability to start all over again with another version of the same guy, unless you have done a major overhaul on your own psyche! In my next post I will be talking about the “root cause” of this pattern of relating!
Most people make this positive prediction and believe that it is true with out any evidence to support this supposition. The belief that a relationship will make one "more happy" remains to be seen by those who say this.
They would like to believe that it is so and often they believe it so badly that they demoralize themselves and the life they are living, by thinking that their current existence is pales in comparison to the glories of being in an intimate relationship, which only makes things worse.
By things I mean; imagine the build up of pressure and desperation this type thinking could cause. It could actually have you jump into a relationship that could really be bad for you. (and this happens all the time)
After working with thousands of people, I have met people who yearned to be in a relationship and those in a relationship often yearning to be single. Often they were the same people.
So if you are "sick of being single" you may not be in the right frame of mind to find Mr. Right!
We, as gay men, WANT SEX! Of that, there is little doubt or argument. But many also want a relationship, and going after both at the same time can get you working hard at cross purposes.
So, if you are online, on many of the sites out there; a4a, manhunt, etc...thats fine...create a profile that makes your intentions clear(on these sites, keep it sexual) Then use other sites, like Chemistry.com, or even Cupid for your relationship pursuits! Make sure your profiles there have clear goals as well!
Achieving orgasm, brain imaging studies show, involves more than heightened arousal. It requires a release of inhibitions engineered by shutdown of the brain’s center of vigilance..
Yup..fear is not going to help you have great sex or great orgasms.
While many of us can still function in relationship to sex, good sex is a whole other story. There is a reason why so many in the community use drugs and drink in order to depress the inhibitory responses..however in the process there is of an inhibition of aspects of ourselves that are unwanted..for instance..that erection..so many choose to take things like Viagra in order to maintain that function.
There are others that even practice celibacy to maintain self control. They fill their minds with images of how disgusting sex is and work hard to turn themselves off from sex. Most, when asked, do it because they are afraid. Afraid that if they really let go there would be no turning back. They would become some kind of sex fiend. Told early in their lives that sex is a distraction, it is dirty, dangerous and bad for them...they hold onto these ideas despite their body's natural urges. They often sublimate their sexual energies into other activities which is ok..but not actually idea.
In many cases these people have the most difficulty managing appropriate sexual behavior.
These natural urges are an important part of the functioning of a healthy human being.
Healthy sex is not just good for your body it is good for your brain and there are so many other things you can do to reduce your fears and improve your sex life.
1. Learn how to relax and deal with stress. Training your body and mind in relaxation methods on a regular basis improves the feel good chemical ratio in your body while reducing stress.
2. Exercise is another way to help manage stress.
3. Pleasure yourself and let yourself go on a regular basis. Much of the body's responses are conditioned and you can recondition yourself.
4. Erotisize safe sex. It can be very challenging to try to have un inhibited sex while thinking about protection. It is time to make safe sex erotic. Use your imagination....remember, Dr. Ruth said 'Sex happens between the ears!" She was right!
5. There is a difference in body chemistry around elicit sexual behavior and sexual behavior that is sensual. Elicit sexual activity can actually increase stress hormones while sensual and, for lack of a better term, more relaxed sexual behavior increases those feel good chemicals like oxytocin, endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine.
If you are having problems in this area then get help. There is no reason to suffer about sex. At my office we have helped hundreds of people struggling to have a fun and rewarding sex life!